How to Prepare When You Know You Are Going to Die
What's your ideal death?
For many people, a good death ways having the chance to say good day to loved ones, making certain to permit them know what they've meant to you. But, of course, no one tin can plan when or how they're going to die, so this communication doesn't always happen.
"There are some unexpected deaths where someone has a traffic blow, and then the family unit spends years looking for some sign, some message from the dead person," said Dr. VJ Periyakoil, director of the Stanford Palliative Care Education and Training Program.
To make sure that your friends and loved ones know how much they meant to you when the time comes, Periyakoil believes she has developed a solution: On September seven, she released the Friends and Family unit letter ― a template of seven questions meant to help prompt the kind of poignant cheerio that makes death feel a fiddling bit easier.
Periyakoil has spent years working with critically ill and dying patients, and often finds herself acting as a go-between for spouses, or for parents and children, to communicate their most heartfelt hopes, desires and regrets. While she'southward happy to do it, Periyakoil realized that not all patients could rely on their doctors to carry out similar tasks.
That's why she developed and tested the Friends and Family letter of the alphabet, to encourage shy or reticent patients to look back on their lives and compose heartfelt letters to the people they intendance about the almost.
The seven prompts are:
- Acknowledge the important people in your life.
- Remember treasured moments from your life.
- Apologize to those you love if you hurt them.
- Forgive those who honey y'all if they have injure you lot.
- Express your gratitude for all the dearest and care you have received.
- Tell your friends and family how much yous love them.
- Take a moment to say "cheerio."
She produced the letter in 8 unlike languages to help people express their feelings in the language nigh comfortable for them. Periyakoil besides tailors them for people currently in good health and people who accept a chronic illness, which brings up another important point ― you don't have to be ill or near decease to etch one.
Writing this letter of the alphabet is a good thought for all, not just the sick or dying
Writing the letter while young and in skillful health may really spur positive changes in a person's life. Matthew Schoen, a 26-year-sometime Stanford medical student who worked with Periyakoil on the alphabetic character, decided to compose his answers and filmed it for the project's website.
When Schoen showed the video to his family, who live across the country in Westborough, Massachusetts, he didn't expect how it would permanently change the fashion his family members would communicate with each other ― about death, but likewise about anything at all.
"I don't tell my brothers how much I care that ofttimes; that just isn't our dynamic," he said. "That next day I got texts from both of them simply to accomplish out and say 'Hi.' I tin can't tell you how much this means to me."
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He noted that "open, frank conversations" lead to more of the same, and that "many barriers take been broken" as the consequence of his alphabetic character to his family.
I also cannot stress enough how these conversations can lead to other important conversations. We talk about everything more openly at present. From our wellness, to aspirations, to relationships, nosotros are more honest and willing to talk. This is a approving I cannot enlarge.
Schoen also shared how composing the letter made him experience more safe and secure. If anything were to happen to him, Schoen said, information technology felt adept knowing his family has this letter to retrieve how much he loved them.
Some sections of the letter aren't for everyone
Periyakoil wrote ane herself, because, as she put it, "If yous brew beer at home, yous have to exist the first one to sip it." She discovered that while the goal of the prompts is to simplify a person'southward terminal message to their loved ones, the process of writing the letter is extremely difficult. Similar many others who attempt it, she went through several versions before settling on the one that best reflects her thoughts and feelings. But while it's non simple, it is important, and Periyakoil is grateful that she is taking information technology on in her own life.
"What I've learned is that this is non like shooting fish in a barrel," said Periyakoil. "I've been writing and then many different versions of the letter."
And of form, the letter template doesn't work for everyone. Periyakoil encountered resistance from some communities that felt speaking about their deaths would inadvertently lead to information technology, or that saying goodbye would be, in issue, "signing their own death sentence."
After she wrote a column most the letter template in the New York Times, some commenters shared that they didn't experience like information technology was their identify to forgive others ― only God could exercise that. Others brought upwardly the fact that, for some people, sure offenses were unforgivable. They bristled at the notion of absolving people who had deeply, irreparably harmed them.
For people who don't feel comfy responding to all of the prompts, Periyakoil has one piece of advice.
"No 1 is enforcing all the seven tasks," she said. "You tin can only do the 'I love y'all.' That's all you lot need to do."
"I believe this letter should exist completed by everyone; ill or salubrious, young or old, considering the conversations it sparks are priceless," Schoen concluded.
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Source: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/death-letter_n_57d1dfece4b06a74c9f3dc92
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